Are you excited?!?


Content warning: This one gets kinda real and possibly graphic.

No. Not really. I’m not, actually. Sorry?

At this point, it’s kind of like an open secret. I’m having surgery next week. And because I’m trans, when I say this, people automatically assume it’s THE SURGERY™. Some people get kind of weird like “is…this…like…down there?” In this case, they’re actually right, but it’s such a weird thing to just be like “hey, I’m getting my dick cut off! WOOOOOO!!” Talking about your genitals is kinda weird, ya know? I’m generally a pretty open and candid kind of person, I don’t shy away from talking openly about things, but it’s still kinda awkward. Mostly I just make jokes about it that make everyone around me feel uncomfortable…

“Yeah, I’m getting all kinds of 🔪ed the fuck up.”
“I’m getting my outtie turned into an innie.”
“I’m going to a BYOT party…bring your own taco.”

I don’t know, it’s just too awkward to talk about without jokes, I guess.

Honestly, I didn’t even plan to talk about it all. I wanted to keep this quiet. It’s not really anyone’s business what’s going on with my body and I really didn’t want it to be a thing. Really, I didn’t even think I was ever going to have this surgery until a few weeks before I scheduled my consultation in early October. However, it’s hard to tell people “hey, I’m going to be out of the office for six weeks” or “I won’t be able to run for at least six weeks and I don’t know how to deal with that” and not have them ask why. Or people who are trying to make plans with me and I’m like “yeah, I’ll be stuck on the couch.” Or trying to deal with my current pre-surgery dietary restrictions.

So it just kind of slowly started coming out because I’m not really the kind of person who likes to make up lies or dance around the truth. I’m nothing if not brutally honest and I lived a lie for way too many years to want to be making up more now. Besides, there have been a lot of situations where being secretive about it was more effort than just be like “yup, getting all vagina-ed up!”

When people find out they’re like “OMG ARE YOU EXCITED?!” And, yeah, I get it, what do you say when someone tells you they’re getting a 🌮 installed? But…no, I’m not excited. I’m feeling every damn emotion ever, but excitement is like the least of them. I’m just anxious for this to be over with. I’m ready for all the stress of trying to make this happen to be gone. It’s actually a lot of work to get someone to cut your dick off. You’ve got to deal with:

  • insurance and figuring out how a $20,000 surgery gets paid for
  • getting multiple doctors to talk to each other and share info
  • setting up and going to a bunch of doctors appointments for consultations, pre-surgery, labs, physicals, etc
  • multiple therapists whom you have to convince you’re trans-enough to deserver proper genitals so they can write you letters stating such
  • working out with HR and your manager taking time off of work
  • who is going to feed your cats while you’re in the hospital
  • who will help you during recovery
  • a sorta tough list of dietary restrictions for two weeks prior to surgery
  • getting a prescription filled for Percocet can apparently be difficult?
  • pre-surgery bowl prep 💩

And that’s all stuff to do before you can even have surgery.

Do people get excited for surgery? Is that a thing that happens? It’s certainly not for me. Sure, I’m excited for the improvement to my overall quality of life months down the road, but there’s still a long way to go for that. I’m not exactly going to get to enjoy having a vagina for a while, ya know? Realistically, I’m just trying to deal with the fact that I’ve never had surgery before or been under general anesthesia and it’s kind of a scary thing. And I can’t run for a while so it’s going be full-on CRAZY AMY UP IN HUR!

It just sort of feels like the world is still stuck on this idea that when people transition, surgery is the ultimate goal and that all trans people want this. “Now you’re really a woman.” Not really. Diving into an actual discussion about this is a whole separate topic that many posts could be written about–and much more seriously than this disaster right here. But, quickly, not all trans people want to have surgery. Everyone transitions differently and in a way that feels right for them and is within their economic/life/work/whatever means. And the goal of transition is simply to be able to live life as yourself. Surgery, if part of that at all, is just a step to enable that end.

So yeah, I’m really not excited about it. It’s kind of like having a busted car sitting in your driveway for a long time and then finally having the money to get it fixed. You’re not excited to fork over the money and take it to the mechanic, but it’ll be really nice when you have it back and can go about your life again.

Anyway, this isn’t meant to call anyone out or whatever. I’m not mad at anyone or anything. If you’ve said this to me, it’s cool. We’re cool. I just kinda…have had this on my mind for a while now. And I do appreciate all the great support I’ve gotten and the countless people who have made it really clear they want to be there for me and help in whatever way they can during my recovery. That stuff is super awesome and I love you all.

And now the whole internet knows about my junk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

* I wasn’t actually a man, ever, so I can’t turn “back into one.”  Trans women have always been women, even before transition. This is just my personal shorthand for “the changes from HRT that make my body and mind feel more in line with who I am are quickly being undone and now my body is growing hair again and my face is starting to look weird and fuck.”

** Also, let me just drop in here this whole thing is based on how I feel and should not be taken as representative of all trans people.